Greetings All; Shardvixen Here;
I want to talk about Triggers. No this isn't the name of some cute and cuddly creature like Tigger who I love a lot. Tigger is my favorite Winnie the Pooh character. I find a lot of myself in him. Which tell you a lot about how I see myself. If you know how to look but enough of this tangent.
Ever since Trump's recording of his "locker room talk" was release, a lot of people are very upset because it triggered sexual abuse events which had occurred in their lives. I am glad of them talking about it but not that they had to be triggered. Trump is an ass and we all know it even those who like him because they like him because he is an ass. He speaks for all the undesirable people out there who do sexual abuse, who talk about it among their peers and who down grade it when it is brought up.
I am no longer triggered by asses talking about what they will do to other people. I learn to let go. I still have forgave and maybe I will never but I have let it go. Those who push it aside as being trivial have a lot to learn.
Human beings are triggered by all kinds of things for all kinds of events. When the event hits the core of who they are, PTSD occurs. I have PTSD because of events which ripped away my soul. They might not seem all that big of a thing to many others which is why you can not compare your pain with another. All pain is the same.
Many of those triggered by the term of "locker room talk" or hearing Trump talk about treating a female so badly have decided to share their stories of sexual abuse. I too have been sexual abused. It happen when I was a teen and I learn to fight back but only after the fact.
I was always an odd duck in a world of swans and peacocks. I met a boy when I was five and for some unknown reason decided he was the "one" but in reality he wasn't the one and it took him raping me when I was 16 to figure that out. I would do all kinds of things to get him to see me and I had decided he would be the one to have sex with first. I imagined a whole scenario of romance when he and I would have sex. But it didn't happen that way.
When I was about 16 years old, I and a bunch of people who were kind of friends ( meaning they were friends when they felt like it and then they were bullies demanding things from me to prove I was their friend, or picking on me in an emotional way) I carry a lot of pain and hurt because of the ways I was treated. Any hooo, we were all sleeping at my house after a bit of drinking( yes I was a teen alcoholic) As a bunch of us were sleeping on the rug, this boy came up behind me wanting to cuddle( I part of me to this day feels I should have know what was going to happen because he did that warm and cold thing to me- you know like you today when no one was around, hate you when his friends were around). I thought he secretly love me as well because he would do things to sabotage other relationships I had with other guys. I no know that was just part of the abuse. So he cuddles up then holds me down ( with others all around so I was too embarrass to yell or say anything plus since i allowed him to kiss and fondle me, I though I had given consent) He pushed his penis deep into my ass and it hurt so bad but I had to hold my breath with my face into the rug. Sometimes when I smell floors it triggers a panic attack because of this event. I had to count to get through his act of sexual pleasure. Then he rolled away and I just laid there confused and bruised. I don't know if the others in the room were awake to the act but just thinking they were was enough to cause me to want to shrink away and die. I was afraid this would become tease bait to torture me with when they were in the mood to bully me. Some of the other people I hung around with at that time always asked me why did I still hang out with those people. I never had a good answer, so I figured I like them being mean to me.
I eventually crawled to my bathroom and cleaned myself up. I then went to my room and smoked a lot of pot and cried. I stayed in my room till they all left by themselves and my father got home. At that time I was the only one really living in the house, my father just visited about twice a week to make sure all was good.
The next day the boy who visited his grandmother who lived next door showed up and I met him and told him that he needed to stay the fuck away from. I told him I would have had sex with him, no problem but what he did was wrong. And if he told anyone what he had done, I would tell my father who had on my 14th birthday declared if he ever found out I had sex in his house, he would take me and the other person tie us up and burn the house down around us. I don't know if he would or not but the boy was scared of my crazy father. So no word of the rape ever got out. About four years later my boyfriend at the time threaten him as well when we all were at a party. Apparently the boy told my boyfriend what a cheap date I was and easy to get into bed. Since I had already told my boyfriend what that guy had done early in our relationship, my hero of a boyfriend knock the guy out and threaten to kill him. The worse part of all this is because I never shared it or told anyone, there is no proof it ever happen, so even to this day there are people who tell me it is just a story I tell, or just something I misunderstood(this one makes me laugh in the deep dark way.) And I should just stop talking about it.
I was raped a 2nd time by a stranger or at least I didn't know who he was. I was walking through a field coming home from a party, I was drunk but not so drunk that I couldn't walk home. My boyfriend at the time was working and I was going to his house afterward. He lived down the street from me. A bunch of us had been drinking down from the field, a popular parting place. As I went under one of my favorite oak trees, some one grab me, spun me around and hit me. I tried to fight back but being drunk it was hard too. I was laughing and crying. This person just kept hitting me till all I could do was hold my arms in front of my face, then he pulled down my pants and I began to fight again. Since I woke up wet and muddy under the tree with my lip bleeding and my eyes feeling swollen, I am guessing he raped me while I was out. I had mud in my pants, underwear and my vagina. I was in disarray and I couldn't remember anything. Still I didn't report it to the police because our friendly neighborhood officers would have said 1. "Don't walk home in the dark" 2. Don't get drunk. 3. Don't go through the field after dark." They would have blamed me, the victim. And I agreed with them even though deep inside I knew they were wrong.
After that I went to my boyfriend's house and he cleaned me up. He tried for weeks to find out what had happen but we didn't ever find some one to say it was him. About 6 months later, two girls were reported dead and raped in the same field. Some people said it was their own faults because they were drunk and out after dark. Good girls don't do those kind of things. I guess the dude only targeted "bad" girls who were out after dark and drinking. It is possible I was one of the first because I wasn't killed but who knows maybe it wasn't the same guy.
After that I took classes to learn how to protect myself. I went to events like "Take Back the Night" to give voice to what had happen to me and to help prevent it from happen to others. Every teen boy I worked with over the years, I made sure they understood about rape and hurting others. I made sure that if they heard or engaged in "locker room talk" they were adding to the problem of keeping every one safe. I have to this point gone through life teaching both males and females about rape and how it can affect person their whole believes in all kinds of ways. It destroys the ability to trust people, it makes people believe in stereotypes as a way to keep from being harmed again, it rips apart a person soul and their ability to feel good about themselves and to doubt themselves. It isn't just a one moment event to be forgotten after a bit. Sometimes the movement of a person ( I don't like people behind me or people to wrestle with me(without warning), the smell of floors, the way some one looks at me, being out in the dark. Not all those trigger me much anymore but sometimes they do. I learn what to do when I am trigger. Just relax and let it pass.
I have been asked by young people through he years if I wished I could have gone back and have them punished. I said no because the people around me would have made my life hell if I had chosen to turn in an athlete. I might have turned int he unknown guy if I hadn't been afraid of victim blaming and him coming back to get me because I didn't know who he was.
The thing is I had been tortured by peers since I was 5 years old. Teachers told me that people teasing me was a kind of playing which is probably why I hang out with people who hurt me for so long. It is most likely why I allowed others to hurt me even after I knew it was wrong. A sensitive soul is very easy to break. I was that kind of soul. I didn't understand what was happening or why and the adults around me told me it was natural and just learn to go with the flow even though I knew it was wrong. I also became a bully and hurt others along the way. I learn after a few years that even if it was the way it had been done, it didn't mean it had to be that way forever. I tried to teach my children how to evade bullies.
Rapist are bullies. They tried (and sometimes succeed) in taking your power away from you with violence. They want you to be a slave to them during the time they hurt you. It is that that gives them pleasure. They show their pleasure therough their sexual act but it is the power which turns them on. In healing, we much take back out power.
Rape laws have come a long way since I was a teen. But I am not sure that neighborhoods have. I think there is still a good person/bad person concept. I think there is still a lot of victim blaming whether it is meant or not. I think there are myths about rape which are still being spread. I think it isn't a topic that is discussed in a proper manner to all sexes. I don't think we do enough to help stop a person from becoming a rapist. I don't think we teach people how to understand what consent is and how it looks. These are the roads we need to still tread to keep us all safe. I also think we need to talk about what is ok between sexual partner or people who want to flirt. I think we mix up sex and power too much. Some day we will figure out how to keep us all save and there will be no more rips in our souls. I think I need to go hug a Tiger to stop the Triggers.
Well enough real stuff, I am outta here. Catch you all on the flip side. Peace.
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