Sunday, December 4, 2016

Dear Everybody from a nobody

Dear Everybody from a nobody
I am just one person but I believe as a society we need to stand together.  If just one person passed this one, then it would be two people standing together in protest against what one company is doing to our own people.
I wish I could go to North Dakota and stand in protest against the oil pipeline but that isn’t something I can do.  I wish I could be a voice heard in support, so I have decided I will speak and do, and maybe that will in a small part help.
The company who is pushing the pipeline through even though they state that they are all about safety, people and the environment is Energy Transfer Partners.  This company was created by one man who is the CEO and Chairman of the Board: Kelcy Lee Warren.  Who profess he wishes to help those around him who are less fortunate, which is most of us because he is a very rich man.  His net worth is 4 billion dollars. He created a non-profit organization; http://cherokeecreekmusicfestival.org/ to help children across the county.  This seems almost like the creation of a paradox or “catch 22″.
You create a company that says it cares for people, who want to help make people’s lives, you then create a non-profit organization who helps children but you fail to listen to American people, native american people who tell you your pipeline is going to hurt people, going to hurt children.  It isn’t just about the water but also about the land these people, these children live one, their culture, their beliefs and their connection to their past.  All for money.
You know it is wrong because you are putting a lot of your company and the pipelines it has created including the one in Dakota into Sunoco Logistics.  This daughter company and you are merging and it was Sunoco which headed off to court to get the pipeline going again. 
Shame on you Mr. Warren.  Money should not be more important than people. I stand in protest against you and your companies.  I know that you will be the Chairman of Sunoco as well, so you are still making money the transportation of oil and gasses and you hope that President Elect Trump will support you and this pipeline.
Mr. Warren is also the co founder of Music Road  Records.http://www.musicroadrecords.com/  These artist should also boycott him.  We should all boycott this company, Sunoco Logistics and ETP(Energy Transfer Partners) We need to stand together, those of us who can not join the physical fight need to spread the word. We need to stop using the products which come form oil and gas or do a sit in or a day refusal of using the products and share it with the Internet community.  We need to let all those responsible for the pipeline know we do not like them bullying our citizens who have the right to their health, culture and believes as well as their history.
http://www.oilandgasinfo.ca/oil-gas-you/products/  It can be little things or big things.  We can all do our part to be like the Whos in Whovill, who shoult “WE ARE HERE” and we do not like or agree with your behavior.   It is because of our dependency on oil and gas, that companies like this think they run the world.
The Standing Rock Sioux http://standingrock.org/history/ , have just as much right to want their world to be safe and healthy and no man should for the sake of money try to change that.  even if you don’t agree, put yourself in their shoes.  How would you feel if a company came and told you they were going to tear up your back yard, your house, your garden,  your church, the park where your kids play, the lake your kids swim in, your town and put a pipeline in.  “But don’t worry, it won’t effect you.”
Here is a study done about birth effects from oil and gas:  http://www.environmentalhealthnews.org/ehs/news/2014/jan/natural-gas-wells-and-birth-defects
 and another one
We have all seen the results of pipeline leaks and accidents, none of us would want that in our stomping grounds, where we live, shop, play, work and worship.
The question comes to us all, what can just one person do.  One person can share what is happen and what should happen.  One person can refuse to go to Sunoco gas stations near them:
One person can share on their social media this letter.  One person can contact the companies involved and write a letter explaining how disappointed they are in the behavior they are doing to our fellow Americans.  One person can share the information in the letter.  One person can send money(even a dollar The Standing Rock Sioux and tell them you support their protest.  One person can create a video explaining their sadness and anger of a company trying force people to live the way the company thinks is ok. Just one person can create a letter and get signatures to send to your representative in the house and your senator, governor and even the president.  One person can add their voice to many or invite many to speak out together.
Dear Everyone, lets us stand together and make nobodies be heard and counted!
Dear Protesters, I, Shardvixen, stand with you in spirit!  I push with all my soul against those who would change your land to suit their purposes and I will do all I can to help!  Blessing of safety, health and fortune on you and those you love and protect.
Greetings; All Shardvixen here:  Please share this letter on your social media.  We can add your voice and help.  We just need to stand together!
Catch you all on the flip side! Peace!

Monday, November 7, 2016

Money and Mental Health

Greetings All; Shardvixen Here,
     So the purpose of this blog and any others is to add to my vlog and other videos.  Since my vlog still hasn't started due to various reasons, I type about things I would like to talk about in my vlog.  One of these is the bane of my existence; Money and Mental Health.
     Why is this you ask, well because I have not had money and I have had mental health issues my whole life.  I was thinking about people who have started their YouTube channels and many of them started with some kind of money even if it was very little.  I, on the other hand, only exist because of my daughter and child support benefits.
     But wait you say, you are a fox goddess, you can control your world and even if you can't some money is better than no money.  And I would say "Yes, you are right in one way but not another".  As a fox goddess, Shardvixen must lay low or else the" Powers in Control" will find her and imprison her(and the whole story of this will be shared in the first vlog).  The vixen hides out for a reason and we have helped me(the mundane human side) in lots of way especially during my episodes of deep depression.
    Think of depression as a big black hole which shadows you every where you go. It hides just behind you, so you can feel is there but can't see it till you are dragged into it.  It doesn't matter the mood you are in when you tip over the edge because the deep dark blackness, the absent of light pulls and sucks you down, sometimes fast before you can catch a breath and sometimes slow, creeping up ever so slowly while you try to stay calm and happy.  The Shardvixen part of me holds on to the edge of the hole and clings to me as I fall.  It is she who brings me back into the light.
     But back to the money part of this.  I am not ashamed to say how much I get which is at this time $432 per month.  Four hundred of it goes to rent and I get about 32 dollars to use as I can.  My daughter, she who shall not be named, pays for everything else in our lives. I have to tell you though, when she was a baby and I was dealing with one of my depression issues brought on by postpartum depression and a gall bladder surgery, I was only getting 375 dollars a month on welfare( state benefits for single mothers at the time) I paid for an apt which cost 275 per month and all of my bills(well most of my bills) at that time. Funny how the cost of things change over 25 years.
    In case you didn't know I have a shoulder issue which makes doing things a bit of a problem.  To type out this blog took me all day with lots of breaks because using my arm which is attached to that shoulder causes great pain.  Thus why I am not working at this time, that and my anxiety.  So to get back to the money thing.  I started Youtube channel as a hobby which maybe could work into a business, so my daughter wouldn't have to work as hard.  But like all things, money is involved.  Lucky for me, most of the things I make for my channel I have made out of recycled goods or saved my 32 dollars a month to buy.  But some of the things like a card capture, a better camera, a better tripod, an upgraded computer, microphone and headphone set and the time to learn what I need to do to create great content to get people to come and view my videos is proving to be a bit challenging.  I am not complaining per say, just stating why I am finding it sometime difficult to keep going.
    Then we throw in the depression and anxiety and the black hole which follows me all the time just waiting for me to feel less then stellar about myself.  I want to tell stories and show how to do crafts while sharing video games I like to play.  That is my goal for my channel but sometimes(and not because I am burned out) it is hard to get moving.  It is hard to be cheerful when I am not.  It is hard not to want to just sit in my chair and cry.  Or just sit in my chair and do nothing( my meds have stopped the racing thoughts and in some ways have stopped the flow of creativity for me).  All of this and just normal life makes having two channels hard to keep up.
     The solution, just take it slow,  I know where i want to go with my channels.  People will watch me because they like what I offer or they won't.  I can't guarantee I will do fresh new things but few of the vlogs and channels I have seen do.  They just put their spin on it, so I am going to put my spin on my channels and see where it leads me.  The one thing I have the best talent for can't be done in video or at least not the way I have done it.  I could make soical stories for children with autism to watch, or talk about mental health to young people but the behavioral parts of my talent to undersand what a brain is telling the world by the behavior the person is doing can't be translated at this time in video.  So I have to find a new side of me and it is the vixen side.  The side that loves to play games which can be seen as "not so nice " games, the side that likes to wear a tutu even though the body she lives in is 51 years old, fat and slow, the side that loves to dance in the fields, enjoy a great conversation while driving, the side that loves to create even if no one likes the creations, the side that keeps us alive and growing.
    I believe we all have a "god" inside us, helping us be the best we can even if the best isn't all that great.  Some times we have to place a goal and just try to get there the best way we can.  That is what I am doing but money and mental health will until I can cure one or both be the bane of my existence.
I am outta here, Catch you on the flip side! Peace!

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Monday, October 24, 2016

Creating is What I Like to do!

Greetings All; Shardvixen Here,
      Since I can remember creating is something I have loved to do.  This is how I see my Youtube channels, a new kind of creation.  I have some strange thoughts about my creations.  I don't know if you can call them "ART" as society thinks of art.  Society as a whole sees art in an established, formatted way even when saying they don't.  It is our peers in all of the generations who determine what is art/craft and what is "ART".. I do craft.  
     I can draw a copy of anything I see but I can't reproduce an object from my head in an adult version.  Everything is like it was drawn by an in-matured brain.   It isn't that it is child like but rather that the techniques they have tried to drill in my head are just at the beginning level.  Once upon a time, that depressed me in a way where I stopped drawing.  In my 20s I completely stopped drawing because an art teacher told me I was wasting my time, I was a no talented person and I believed her.
     In some ways I can be very naive even now (though I try very hard not to be).  I was raised to believe those with education, talent and position were the ones we listen to.  That is how one functions in a society.  As a cog in the wheel to keep things going, I had to accept what those who were better than me decided.  This group was were teachers, doctors, judges, police, military, parents and other types of educated, talented and authoritative people resided.  Not me, I didn't know anything about anything when I started out in the world.  All I really knew was, people could lie to you but those in power shouldn't.  I thought I had a fool proof way of knowing who was lying to me and who wasn't.  What I didn't take in to account was if a person believed what they were saying to me, then they weren't laying.  That art teacher so long ago believed I was some one with no talent.
     But I do have talent.  I can draw, I can create things from junk.  I can paint, work in clay, make a costume.  I can create a movie in my head, music video and shots.  I can change behaviors and modify others.  The one thing I have the most talent in now, I can't do any more or at least at this time.  So I create in other ways.  I use my channels to create things and share things.  I can not say if others believe I have talent or not, but it doesn't really matter.  What matters is WHAT I BELIEVE!  And  I believe is I have talent.  People equal talent to money but I don't.  
     Sometime what I create is a mess.  But one can learn so much from a mess.  I have learn that I made a mistake, or something wasn't working right or there is no modification to what I was trying to do.  Then I will try again or I don't.  Sometimes I get frustrated because what I am trying to do, just isn't working the way it is suppose to.  And then I walk away and decide if it is important enough to continue.
     My youtube channels have made me think that way every once in a while.  But then I get excited thinking about another story I can tell, or playing a game and sharing or creating a craft and showing it off.  It keeps me alive and I love it.  Creating is what keeps me sane most of the time, even when I am so depressed I think about not being here.  I then think about a story I have been working on or one waiting for me to finish it.  
     I love writing because I love exploring ways to create a great story.  I think a great story is one which keeps you thinking about it long after you have finish it  It can make you crave for more or just have you wonder if you would have written it that way.  It might make you wonder what the characters are doing after the story ends or maybe you didn't like how the characters acted and you wonder how they would have been if just one thing had been different.  
     I love creating worlds different and the same as ours.  Then comes the creation of characters and how you begin to love or hate them.  How they exist in their worlds and with others beings.  What is their end story within the story you are writing.  Story writing is why I like video games so much.  Even though some one else has created the world, you have a chance to be part of it and see how it all plays out.  In a way it is kind of like life, with us waiting to see how it all plays out.
     I am waiting to see how my channels all play out as I work on them.  I work on my crafts (making a Boba Fett helmet for Booby and a Snivy costume for BobbyJoe as well as my own costume for vlogs).  I create stories for my puppets and for books and the vlog.  I work on the writing of my stories.  I love to read my stories so I know they are great.  Some day they will be done in another format to be shared on Youtube.  I work on my grandson's blanket as well as cloths for me.  Creating is why I live.  It isn't my job, it is my air and water for this existence.
I am outta here, catch you on the flip side and Peace to you all!

Lady Jane, Lady Jane Where are thou caps?Videos of the Den October 24, 2016 at 08:16AM October 24, 2016 at 08:16AM Weekly


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Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Triggers not Tiggers! Warning may be a bit intense

Greetings All; Shardvixen Here;
     I want to talk about Triggers.  No this isn't the name of some cute and cuddly creature like Tigger who I love  a lot.  Tigger is my favorite Winnie the Pooh character.  I find a lot of myself in him. Which tell you a lot about how I see myself.  If you know how to look but enough of this tangent.
     Ever since Trump's recording of his "locker room talk" was release, a lot of people are very upset because it triggered sexual abuse events which had occurred in their lives.  I am glad of them talking about it but not that they had to be triggered.  Trump is an ass and we all know it even those who like him because they like him because he is an ass.  He speaks for all the undesirable people out there who do sexual abuse, who talk about it among their peers and who down grade it when it is brought up.
     I am no longer triggered by asses talking about what they will do to other people.  I learn to let go.  I still have forgave and maybe I will never but I have let it go.  Those who push it aside as being trivial have a lot to learn.
     Human beings are triggered by all kinds of things for all kinds of events.  When the event hits the core of who they are, PTSD occurs.  I have PTSD because of events which ripped away my soul.  They might not seem all that big of a thing to many others which is why you can not compare your pain with another.  All pain is the same.
    Many of those triggered by the term of "locker room talk" or hearing Trump talk about treating a female so badly have decided to share their stories of sexual abuse.  I too have been sexual abused.  It happen when I was a teen and I learn to fight back but only after the fact.
    I was always an odd duck in a world of swans and peacocks.  I met a boy when I was five and for some unknown reason decided he was the "one" but in reality he wasn't the one and it took him raping me when I was 16 to figure that out.  I would do all kinds of things to get him to see me and I had decided he would be the one to have sex with first.  I imagined a whole scenario of romance when he and I would have sex.  But it didn't happen that way.
    When I was about 16 years old,  I and a bunch of people who were kind of friends ( meaning they were friends when they felt like it and then they were bullies demanding things from me to prove I was their friend, or picking on me in an emotional way)  I carry a lot of pain and hurt because of the ways I was treated.  Any hooo, we were all sleeping at my house after a bit of drinking( yes I was a teen alcoholic) As a bunch of us were sleeping on the rug, this boy came up behind me wanting to cuddle( I part of me to this day feels I should have know what was going to happen because he did that warm and cold thing to me- you know like you today when no one was around, hate you when his friends were around).  I thought he secretly love me as well because he would do things to sabotage other relationships I had with other guys.  I no know that was just part of the abuse.  So he cuddles up then holds me down ( with others all around so I was too embarrass to yell or say anything plus since i allowed him to kiss and fondle me, I though I had given consent)  He pushed his penis deep into my ass and it hurt so bad but I had to hold my breath with my face into the rug.  Sometimes when I smell floors it triggers a panic attack because of this event.   I had to count to get through his act of sexual pleasure.  Then he rolled away and I just laid there confused and bruised.  I don't know if the others in the room were awake to the act but just thinking they were was enough to cause me to want to shrink away and die.  I was afraid this would become tease bait to torture me with when they were in the mood to bully me.  Some of the other people I hung around with at that time always asked me why did I still hang out with those people.  I never had a good answer, so I figured I like them being mean to me.
     I eventually crawled to my bathroom and cleaned myself up.  I then went to my room and smoked a lot of pot and cried.  I stayed in my room till they all left by themselves and my father got home.  At that time I was the only one really living in the house, my father just visited about twice a week to make sure all was good.
    The next day the boy who visited his grandmother who lived next door showed up and I met him and told him that he needed to stay the fuck away from.  I told him I would have had sex with him, no problem but what he did was wrong.  And if he told anyone what he had done, I would tell my father who had on my 14th birthday declared if he ever found out I had sex in his house, he would take me and the other person tie us up and burn the house down around us.  I don't know if he would or not but the boy was scared of my crazy father.  So no word of the rape ever got out.  About four years later my boyfriend at the time threaten him as well when we all were at a party.  Apparently the boy told my boyfriend what a cheap date I was and easy to get into bed.  Since I had already told my boyfriend what that guy had done early in our relationship, my hero of a boyfriend knock the guy out and threaten to kill him. The worse part of all this is because I never shared it or told anyone, there is no proof it ever happen, so even to this day there are people who tell me it is just a story I tell, or just something I misunderstood(this one makes me laugh in the deep dark way.) And I should just stop talking about it.
     I was raped a 2nd time by a stranger or at least I didn't know who he was.  I was walking through a field coming home from a party, I was drunk but not so drunk that I couldn't walk home.  My boyfriend at the time was working and I was going to his house afterward.  He lived down the street from me.  A bunch of us had been drinking down from the field, a popular parting place.  As I went under one of my favorite oak trees, some one grab me, spun me around and hit me. I tried to fight back but being drunk it was hard too.  I was laughing and crying.  This person just kept hitting me till all I could do was hold my arms in front of my face, then he pulled down my pants and I began to fight again.  Since I woke up wet and muddy under the tree with my lip bleeding and my eyes feeling swollen, I am guessing he raped me while I was out. I had mud in my pants, underwear and my vagina.  I was in  disarray and I couldn't remember anything.  Still I didn't report it to the police because our friendly neighborhood officers would have said 1. "Don't walk home  in the dark" 2. Don't get drunk. 3. Don't go through the field after dark."  They would have blamed me, the victim.  And I agreed with them even though deep inside I knew they were wrong.
    After that I went to my boyfriend's house and he cleaned me up.  He tried for weeks to find out what had happen but we didn't ever find some one to say it was him.  About 6  months later, two girls were reported dead and raped in the same field.  Some people said it was their own faults because they were drunk and out after dark.  Good girls don't do those kind of things.  I guess the dude only targeted "bad" girls who were out after dark and drinking.  It is possible I was one of the first because I wasn't killed but who knows maybe it wasn't the same guy.
    After that I took classes to learn how to protect myself.  I went to events like "Take Back the Night" to give voice to what had happen to me and to help prevent it from happen to others.  Every teen boy I worked with over the years, I made sure they understood about rape and hurting others.  I made sure that if they heard or engaged in "locker room talk" they were adding to the problem of keeping every one  safe.  I have to this point gone through life teaching both males and females about rape and how it can affect person their whole believes in all kinds of ways.  It destroys the ability to trust people, it makes people believe in stereotypes as a way to keep from being harmed again, it rips apart a person soul and their ability to feel good about themselves and to doubt themselves.  It isn't just a one moment event to be forgotten after a bit.  Sometimes the movement of a person ( I don't like people behind me or people to wrestle with me(without warning), the smell of floors, the way some one looks at me, being out in the dark.  Not all those trigger me much anymore but sometimes they do.  I learn what to do when I am trigger.  Just relax and let it pass.
   I have been asked by young people through he years if I wished I could have gone back and have them punished.  I said no because the people around me would have made my life hell if I had chosen to turn in an athlete.  I might have turned int he unknown guy if I hadn't been afraid of victim blaming and him coming back to get me because I didn't know who he was.
    The thing is I had been tortured by peers since I was 5 years old.  Teachers told me that people teasing me was a kind of playing which is probably why I hang out with people who hurt me for so long.  It is most likely why I allowed others to hurt me even after I knew it was wrong.  A sensitive soul is very easy to break.  I was that kind of soul.  I didn't understand what was happening or why and the adults around me told me it was natural and just learn to go with the flow even though I knew it was wrong.  I also became a bully and hurt others along the way.  I learn after a few years that even if it was the way it had been done, it didn't mean it had to be that way forever.  I tried to teach my children how to evade bullies.
     Rapist are bullies.  They tried (and sometimes succeed) in taking your power away from you with violence.  They want you to be a slave to them during the time they hurt you.  It is that that gives them pleasure.  They show their pleasure therough their sexual act but it is the power which turns them on.  In healing, we much take back out power.
    Rape laws have come a long way since I was a teen.  But I am not sure that neighborhoods have.  I think there is still a good person/bad person concept.  I think there is still a lot of victim blaming whether it is meant or not.  I think there are myths about rape which are still being spread.  I think it isn't a topic that is discussed in a proper manner to all sexes.  I don't think we do enough to help stop a person from becoming a rapist.  I don't think we teach people how to understand what consent is and how it looks.  These are the roads we need to still tread to keep us all safe.  I also think we need to talk about what is ok between sexual partner or people who want to flirt.  I think we mix up sex and power too much.  Some day we will figure out how to keep us all save and there will be no more rips in our souls. I think I need to go hug a Tiger to stop the Triggers.
     Well enough real stuff, I am outta here.  Catch you all on the flip side.  Peace.