From the Den: November 2016

Greetings All; Shardvixen Here,
So the purpose of this blog and any others is to add to my vlog and other videos. Since my vlog still hasn't started due to various reasons, I type about things I would like to talk about in my vlog. One of these is the bane of my existence; Money and Mental Health.
Why is this you ask, well because I have not had money and I have had mental health issues my whole life. I was thinking about people who have started their YouTube channels and many of them started with some kind of money even if it was very little. I, on the other hand, only exist because of my daughter and child support benefits.
But wait you say, you are a fox goddess, you can control your world and even if you can't some money is better than no money. And I would say "Yes, you are right in one way but not another". As a fox goddess, Shardvixen must lay low or else the" Powers in Control" will find her and imprison her(and the whole story of this will be shared in the first vlog). The vixen hides out for a reason and we have helped me(the mundane human side) in lots of way especially during my episodes of deep depression.
Think of depression as a big black hole which shadows you every where you go. It hides just behind you, so you can feel is there but can't see it till you are dragged into it. It doesn't matter the mood you are in when you tip over the edge because the deep dark blackness, the absent of light pulls and sucks you down, sometimes fast before you can catch a breath and sometimes slow, creeping up ever so slowly while you try to stay calm and happy. The Shardvixen part of me holds on to the edge of the hole and clings to me as I fall. It is she who brings me back into the light.
But back to the money part of this. I am not ashamed to say how much I get which is at this time $432 per month. Four hundred of it goes to rent and I get about 32 dollars to use as I can. My daughter, she who shall not be named, pays for everything else in our lives. I have to tell you though, when she was a baby and I was dealing with one of my depression issues brought on by postpartum depression and a gall bladder surgery, I was only getting 375 dollars a month on welfare( state benefits for single mothers at the time) I paid for an apt which cost 275 per month and all of my bills(well most of my bills) at that time. Funny how the cost of things change over 25 years.
In case you didn't know I have a shoulder issue which makes doing things a bit of a problem. To type out this blog took me all day with lots of breaks because using my arm which is attached to that shoulder causes great pain. Thus why I am not working at this time, that and my anxiety. So to get back to the money thing. I started Youtube channel as a hobby which maybe could work into a business, so my daughter wouldn't have to work as hard. But like all things, money is involved. Lucky for me, most of the things I make for my channel I have made out of recycled goods or saved my 32 dollars a month to buy. But some of the things like a card capture, a better camera, a better tripod, an upgraded computer, microphone and headphone set and the time to learn what I need to do to create great content to get people to come and view my videos is proving to be a bit challenging. I am not complaining per say, just stating why I am finding it sometime difficult to keep going.
Then we throw in the depression and anxiety and the black hole which follows me all the time just waiting for me to feel less then stellar about myself. I want to tell stories and show how to do crafts while sharing video games I like to play. That is my goal for my channel but sometimes(and not because I am burned out) it is hard to get moving. It is hard to be cheerful when I am not. It is hard not to want to just sit in my chair and cry. Or just sit in my chair and do nothing( my meds have stopped the racing thoughts and in some ways have stopped the flow of creativity for me). All of this and just normal life makes having two channels hard to keep up.
The solution, just take it slow, I know where i want to go with my channels. People will watch me because they like what I offer or they won't. I can't guarantee I will do fresh new things but few of the vlogs and channels I have seen do. They just put their spin on it, so I am going to put my spin on my channels and see where it leads me. The one thing I have the best talent for can't be done in video or at least not the way I have done it. I could make soical stories for children with autism to watch, or talk about mental health to young people but the behavioral parts of my talent to undersand what a brain is telling the world by the behavior the person is doing can't be translated at this time in video. So I have to find a new side of me and it is the vixen side. The side that loves to play games which can be seen as "not so nice " games, the side that likes to wear a tutu even though the body she lives in is 51 years old, fat and slow, the side that loves to dance in the fields, enjoy a great conversation while driving, the side that loves to create even if no one likes the creations, the side that keeps us alive and growing.
I believe we all have a "god" inside us, helping us be the best we can even if the best isn't all that great. Some times we have to place a goal and just try to get there the best way we can. That is what I am doing but money and mental health will until I can cure one or both be the bane of my existence.
I am outta here, Catch you on the flip side! Peace!