Do You Ever Wonder..........?

Greetings All; Shardvixen here,
     I wonder about a lot of things.  Ever since I was just a little foxling, I have felt like I was in some way the catalyst for events around me.  Things evetually fall apart and chaos reigns.  I get, as a fox goddess, it is possible that other things could be doing it but I have always seen myself as a chaos goddess.  Now I can list a few things which seems to support this but no real research because like all things dealing with the divine, there is no real research. (It is all just slant meanings to look like truth or it is all about faith).
     I don't just effect myself but others around me.  I wrote a fictional story about it, making it all seem even worse and the girl in it was a goddess of chaos as well because...well it all just makes so much sense.  Like the fact I got fired from jobs which were already in a really weird place ( the owners drank a lot, engaged in criminal activities and were harassing their employees, thus allowing me to get unemployment).  I know you are thinking; how does this support your belief that I cause bad crap to happen.  It doesn't, not really they are just the exception to the rule but I really hated working at those places so me getting fired was a blessing really, so maybe I am a goddess with fate as my wand.  Hmmmm.
     Since I was created and the fox spirt connected with the other part of me, the human part, the "She who shall not be Named part to create ....drum roll please.......SHARDVIXEN.  Things fall apart.  My human mother lost her lover who was to be my human father and married another.  A mean, cruel man who couldn't keep the secret of my birth to himself, instead he used it against me and said, "that is why I hate you!" to me.  I am sorry to say he never left, just stuck around to make my life miserable until he told me at 21 years of age the truth of my creation(not the fox part cause only I knew about that) just the human part.  If it hadn't been for the fox part, I would have died a very long time ago from heartache and sorrow.  The human parents got a divorce(again not a chaotic thing).  The chaotic thing had been having to live with him for so many years.
Ok so I caused chaos around me, which made my peers decide they had to knock me off my divine pestle and teach me to grovel in the dirt.  That seems pretty chaotic to me.  Though I didn't know about my fox spirit till later in my teens.  Vixen became an aware part of me to later be named Shardvixen (because do you know how many people used Vixen as their internet name even in the early days of it)  But even then I didn't understand the power of chaos, that came much later.
It is hard to love a chaotic being even a divine one (or maybe it is hard to love a mental health suffer, I get those two things confused)
So teen years of turmoil, sadness and sorrow along with depression and anxiety( oh wait I think that happen to everyone but it was way worse for me, I swear)  I felt different, alone and crazy.  I am afraid to say that hasn't changed yet.
Any hoo, let get back on track, so I lost job after job due to bankruptcy, or just change.  But it always happen after I started work there and was happy.  I lost lovers but usually only after I decided they were safe to love or not very loving because they were unsafe (ok that one doesn't seem to support my theory either or maybe it does).  What I am trying to explain is odd events of unhappiness or change seem to follow me around.  It would happen to others but only others who were connected to me in some way.  Why am I bring this up?
     Well YouTube is changing.  It seems like something I am happy with is changing and I won't be able to make money doing something I like; creating videos of me playing video games, making people enjoy watching a clueless grandmother play games because I cuss.  I guess I could make a video where I didn't cuss and I may but I saw a world where I could be myself and offer people a chance to share it and they could decide to share it.  Maybe I won't be any more successful at this then I have been at any other thing(discount being a student and a mother and a behaviorist)  maybe I will have to just create and see where it leads.  Maybe there is no place for a chaos fox goddess anymore.
     Maybe it is just the way of the human life path, things change.  Sometimes for the best and sometimes not.  Maybe some of the great video game creators shouldn't have shared how much money they were making at Youtube, maybe if people got along better or maybe there is no reason and I am just different, alone and crazy once more.  Who knows except I.
As a small creator trying to find her place in the sun, trying to explore another way of sharing, trying to figure out what is next for her, the idea of YouTube changing before I got to be the first grandmother to get 1 million subscribers for my videos is a bit sad.  I guess I just jump on this ship after it had sailed and am now realizing I may be drowning or floating but not really getting to see the new world that was promised.
     I hope there comes another new world in which, I can shine in before I die.  Where I can show all the things I can do.  But fot now, I am still having fun and I hope you all are too.

I am outta here...Catch you on the flip side. Peace!